Dee Dialogue — Homophobic Calisthenics

Dee-lightful Musings
of an Old Country Woman

The real-life conversations between Dee (a 71-year-old
country woman) and her 44-year-old neighbor, Vicki

Homophobic Calisthenics
March 22, 2013

(Vicki stayed later than normal at Dee’s to watch “Malibu Country”, the sitcom which stars Reba McEntire and Lily Tomlin. In this episode, Reba’s mother (Tomlin) has brought a gentleman home for the night.)

DEE:  I thought you said she (Tomlin) was gay!

VICKI:  She is.  She’s been with her partner for forty years or more.

DEE:  Then, why do they have her with a man?

VICKI:  Because she’s an actress.  She’s just playing a part.  It’s what actors and actresses do.

DEE:  That’s not right!

VICKI:  Why would you say that?  Gay people have been playing straight roles in Hollywood since the beginning, and straight people play gay roles, too.

DEE:  Well, I think that’s mean!  They should just let people be who they are instead of tryin’ to make ‘em the other way.

VICKI:  They’re not trying to convert Lily Tomlin, Dee!  She’s not in the closet or anything.  It’s just a part on a TV show.

DEE:  I guess Hollywood hasn’t caught up with the rest of the world yet!  They’re still home-aerobic!

Copyright © 2013 by Vicki Robison
All rights reserved

Dee Dialogue — The Heimlich Maneuver

Dee-lightful Musings
of an Old Country Woman

The real-life conversations between Dee (a 71-year-old
country woman) and her 44-year-old neighbor, Vicki

The Heimlich Maneuver
March 22, 2013

Vicki:  (choking on a piece of orange)

Dee:  Are you okay?

Vicki:  It … went down … wrong tube.

Dee:  Do you want me to give you the Heisman?

Vicki:  I don’t need a trophy!  (coughs)  I need to stop coughing!

Dee:  Well, I can’t get up and get over there fast enough to save your life, but I could poke ya in the gut with my new grabber.  Did I tell you I finally got me one?

Vicki:  (coughs)

Dee:  You don’t have to answer now.  I can wait.  (pauses)  I got me a magnifyin’ glass, too.  You keep tellin’ me I need one and I finally got one.  (Picks up magnifying glass and holds it in front of her face.)  I hope ya don’t choke to death, ’cause my big giant eye is gonna be the last thing you see!

Copyright © 2013 by Vicki Robison
All rights reserved

Dee Dialogue — A Thorn in the Side

Dee-lightful Musings
of an Old Country Woman

The real-life conversations between Dee (a 71-year-old
country woman) and her 44-year-old neighbor, Vicki

A Thorn in the Side
March 20, 2013

VICKI:  I’m having a pain in my side today.

DEE:  Which side?

VICKI:  Here, on my left side.

DEE:  It might be your appendix.

VICKI:  Which side is your appendix on?  I always forget.

DEE:  I don’t know.

VICKI:  But didn’t Tony have appendicitis when he was a kid?

DEE:  Yeah, but I can’t never remember if it was his right or my right or his left or my left.  I could call him and ask.

VICKI:  No, I’ll just look it up on the internet.  (at Dee’s computer)  Okay, it says here that your appendix is on your right side, in the abdominal area.

DEE:  Your right or my right?

VICKI:  It would be my right because it’s my body. 

DEE:  So, it’d be my left?

VICKI:  Yes, but your appendix would be on your right, or my left.

DEE:  That’s why I get so confused.  Everybody has different directions.  If we all had the same directions, it’d be a lot easier.

VICKI:  Well, we can all have the same directions, as long as we never face each other.

DEE:  Have you ever had an operation?

VICKI:  I had my tonsils out when I was five.

DEE:  So, nobody’s ever seen your insides?

VICKI:  No, why?

DEE:  Well, I figure your backwards in every other way, maybe your insides are all backwards, too, then we’d both have the same rights and the same lefts.  You oughtta go get a X-ray done.

VICKI:  Dee, that doesn’t make any sense at all!

DEE:  Well, if you had a brain like mine, it’d make a lot of sense!

Copyright © 2013 by Vicki Robison
All rights reserved

Spring Defined!

“They were sayin’ on the news today that the reason “Spring” is called “Spring” is ’cause it lines up with somethin’. (pauses) It made a lot more sense when *they* said it.” ~Dee  (March 20, 2013)

Dee Dialogue — Manicures & Pedicures

Dee-lightful Musings
of an Old Country Woman

The real-life conversations between Dee (a 71-year-old
country woman) and her 44-year-old neighbor, Vicki

Manicures & Pedicures
March 19, 2013

VICKI:  Last night, I posted the conversation we had about my moodiness and you suggesting that I paint my toe nails.

DEE:  You gonna do it?

VICKI:  No, but one of our friends suggested that you and I have a mani-pedi party.

DEE:  You oughtta take that person off the program!  I don’t want my name to be on the program if people are gonna talk like that!

VICKI:  Like what, Dee?

DEE:  I don’t believe in that stuff!  I don’t care if they were jokin’ or not, it’s not funny! 

VICKI:  Do you think she meant something *bad* by it?

DEE:  I hope she was just jokin’, but if she goes to those kind of parties, she oughtta be arrested!

VICKI:  So, what do you think she meant by “mani-pedi party?”

DEE:  Well, it sounds like a party that those pedal-fleas would go to.  I don’t want nothin’ to do with ‘em!

VICKI:  (laughing)  Actually, “mani” stands for “manicure” and “pedi” stands for pedicure. It doesn’t have anything to do with pedophiles.

DEE:  Oh. (pauses)  Well, I guess you can keep her in the program, then.  But I’m not goin’ to no party where there’s a bunch of pedal-fleas!

Copyright © 2013 by Vicki Robison
All rights reserved

Dee Dialogue — The Evolution of Perimenopause

Dee-lightful Musings
of an Old Country Woman

The real-life conversations between Dee (a 71-year-old
country woman) and her 44-year-old neighbor, Vicki

The Evolution of Perimenopause
March 18, 2013

DEE:  Are you still feelin’ cranky?

VICKI:  Yeah, I’m still a bit moody.

DEE:  You seem to go through this every few months.

VICKI:  Yeah, I think it’s my body catching up with the changing seasons or something.

DEE:  It’s prob’ly that matrimonial thing.

VICKI:  I can guarantee that it’s not a matrimonial thing!  You kind of need a second person in mind for a matrimonial thing to happen.

DEE:  I’m talkin’ about the change of life that ya get before it happens.  What’s it called?

VICKI:  Well, it’s called perimenopause, but YOU call it paranormal mental-pause.

DEE:  You oughtta paint your toe nails.

VICKI:  WHAT?  How’s that going to help?

DEE:  It might make ya feel better.

VICKI:  Dee, I don’t think I’ve ever painted my toe nails in my life! I don’t even paint my finger nails.  How in the heck is that going to help me?

DEE:  It prob’ly wouldn’t, but it’d give ME somethin’ to watch!

Copyright © 2013 by Vicki Robison
All rights reserved

Dee Dialogue — Freezer Burn

Dee-lightful Musings
of an Old Country Woman

The real-life conversations between Dee (a 71-year-old
country woman) and her 44-year-old neighbor, Vicki

Freezer Burn
March 18, 2013

VICKI:  What would you like me to make for dinner?

DEE:  There’s some chicken in the freezer that needs to be used before it gets razor burn.

VICKI:  Or I could just stick a can of Burma-Shave in the freezer.

DEE:  If you see my chicken shavin’ in there, I’m runnin’ away from home!

Copyright © 2013 by Vicki Robison
All rights reserved

Dee Dialogue — Pseudo-asthma & Psychology

Dee-lightful Musings
of an Old Country Woman

The real-life conversations between Dee (a 71-year-old
country woman) and her 44-year-old neighbor, Vicki

Pseudo-asthma and Psychology
March 8, 2013

Dee:  (coughs)

Vicki:  Are you okay?

Dee:  I don’t have asthma.

Vicki:  I didn’t say you did!

Dee:  I think I might have one of its ancestors, though.

Vicki:  WHAT? An ancestor of asthma?

Dee:  You know when they make a family tree and there’s branches all over it?  I think I might have one of the branches.

Vicki:  You have a branch of asthma? Like pseudo-asthma?

Dee:  Pseudo-asthma? Is that when ya cough so hard that you end up karate choppin’ somebody?

Vicki:  I think you might be confusing pseudo with Judo.

Dee:  I wouldn’t be surprised.

Vicki:  Nor would I.

Dee:  Did I tell you that Gary’s takin’ a psychology class as a part of his college?

Vicki:  Yep.

Dee:  Pretty soon, he’s gonna start tryin’ to shrink my brain for practice.

Vicki:  I wouldn’t worry about it, Dee.  You’re more powerful than he is.  You’re Judo-asthmatic!

Dee:  It’s just my luck to have a super power and not even know how to use it!

Copyright © 2013 by Vicki Robison
All rights reserved

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Dee Dialogue — The New Coke?

Dee-lightful Musings
of an Old Country Woman

The real-life conversations between Dee (a 71-year-old
country woman) and her 44-year-old neighbor, Vicki

The New Coke?
March 15, 2013

Vicki:  I have three Catholic friends that I know of. One isn’t terribly impressed with the new Pope and the other two haven’t said much yet.

Dee:  I didn’t even know that they changed the recipe again, but I like Orange Crush better.

Copyright © 2013 by Vicki Robison
All rights reserved

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Dee Dialogue — The Duggars

Dee-lightful Musings
of an Old Country Woman

The real-life conversations between Dee (a 71-year-old
country woman) and her 44-year-old neighbor, Vicki

The Duggars
March 14, 2013

Dee:  They had the Douglas family on Dr. Oz today.

Vicki:  Who are they?

Dee:  They’re a big family that has 19 kids.

Vicki:  Oh, the Duggars.

Dee:  I think they’re called Douglas.  They’re a Mormon family.

Vicki:  No, they’re the Duggars.

Dee:  Do you know ‘em?

Vicki:  Goodness, no! How would I know them?

Dee:  I thought you grew up in the Mormon church.

Vicki:  Yeah, but there are over fourteen million Mormons in the world.  I don’t know them all!

Dee:  Did your mother have a strick-a-mee?

Vicki:  A strick-a-mee?

Dee:  Yeah, when ya get your insides taken out so you can’t have no more kids.

Vicki:  Oh, no, she never had a hysterectomy.

Dee:  Why didn’t she have no more kids besides you and your brother?

Vicki:  I don’t know.  It just happened that way.

Dee:  I thought Mormons had big families.

Vicki:  No, there are a lot of Mormon families that are small.  Some couples have no kids, some have one kid and some have 2 or 3 kids.  There’s no quota.

Dee:  Well, every Mormon I’ve ever known had big families.

Vicki:  How many Mormons have you known?

Dee:  Well, there’s the Douglases and the Almonds.

Vicki:  The Osmonds?

Dee:  Whoever that brother and sister was that used to have a show on TV.

Vicki:  So, you know them?

Dee:  I might as well know ‘em.  I used to watch ‘em on TV all the time.

Vicki:  Well, the fact is, not all Mormons have large families.  You can’t judge two examples and apply them to all Mormons.  That’s called ‘stereotyping’.

Dee:  Well, if they don’t want me ‘typin’ ‘em, they oughtta put more of ‘em on TV!

Copyright © 2013 by Vicki Robison
All rights reserved

For the record:  It has come to my attention that The Duggar family is not Mormon.  Not being a big TV-watcher and not being a fan of reality television, I only had Dee’s information to go by.

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